iPhone 5S Solves Jealousy Among Couples With Fingerprint Sensor
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iPhone 5S Solves Jealousy Among Couples With Fingerprint Sensor

ku-xlarge (2)Photo Credit: Alex Washburn / WIRED

Remember how couples made a big deal about being “Facebook official?” Well, welcome to the future, son. That Facebook thing is gone. Now, you “have to talk” about your iPhone’s Touch ID! That’s right, your spouse, lover, affair, late night banger won’t be able to sneak into your phone anymore.

Unless of course, she/he chops your finger off.

Or, you give them a fingerprint profile.

But, you see what I’m saying? Giving a Touch ID to someone is bigger or of similar size as giving someone a key to your place. Boom. Game over.

You can, however, create a Touch ID and immediately delete it and blame it on Apple. “Honey, I don’t know what’s going on. It’s probably some issue with the Touch ID technology. Let’s go to the Genius Bar Saturday in the afternoon.” You know you’re off the hook whenever you ask someone to go with you to an Apple store.

Yeah, your service sucks, sorry.

But, you know, the upside of the new fingerprint access is that you WON’T have to worry about that anymore. You shouldn’t after all. However, we all have been in relationships where the trust me with your life, trust me with your “let me see who’s texting you at 2 in the morning” is an issue. Now, couples just have to accept their boundaries and I support that. 100%.

“I broke up with that asshole because he wouldn’t make me a Touch ID for his phone! Can you believe in this crap? If there’s no trust, there’s nothing! Couples will be having this argument in 2014 and onwards.

The pre-order starts this Friday the 13th and the iPhone 5S and 5C will also both be available Sept 20th in stores in US, AUS, and Canada.

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Written by Tag Brum

Tag Brum lives in Brooklyn and writes things from a computer whenever wi-fi is available.
You can follow him on Twitter @tagbrum.

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