How Much Do You Reveal on a First Date?
The gorgeous Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman in Hancock
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How Much Do You Reveal on a First Date?

The gorgeous Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman in Hancock
The gorgeous Charlize Theron and Jason Bateman in Hancock.

How much do you divulge on your first date? Or better yet, how much do you reveal at all? You are dating someone, but you’re not going to dive into a relationship right away. If you do have the luck to find somebody right away, fuck you. I hate you.

All I want is to get comfortable enough in a relationship where I can tell you how much I hate your She & Him CDs. I don’t hate Zooey Deschanel, except when she’s singing. She’s pretty hot.

Should I converse about how damaging my last relationship was? Should I tell my prospective date that I have never been in a long-term relationship? What about kids? Can I say I’m allergic to babies and that I can’t have cats?

How much information one must unveil to guarantee sex tonight, or at the very least a second date?

I believe you don’t need to share last or middle names. If you want to disclose names, then talk about your cats, dog, fish, hamster, sex slave locked in your apartment right now, but no more than that. People don’t even add your name to their phones, so why bother them with such futile information as your heredity. Nobody fucking cares your family came here in the Mayflower. Get over yourself.

How much information do I have to spit out to make sure you don’t think I’m a psychopath?

You don’t need to tell them where you live. Don’t be so secretive either; just tell them you live in some neighborhood in Brooklyn. Being weird about where you live just make all the kids think you are a lunatic. If your date insists in knowing your billing address though, when you didn’t buy shit from them, you should consider running. Stalker alert, son.

How many tall tales must I tell my date to get from chalk outline on the sidewalk — to a human being?

If you must go into politics – don’t tell them you believe in ghosts. That is a twofer. If you need to raise a flag and go on a full on red-faced rant, then remember: you are giving up on your right to have sex. The same goes for ghosts. You believe in them? Fine. I don’t want to hear it. Never. Ever. Keep it between you and your psychic.

Don’t bring up break ups. Why must you be a buzz kill? We’re just here having a drink. Maybe we will have sex. But if you can’t keep it together or keep it light for two or three hours, then you shouldn’t be dating in the first place. Also, after you act like a total bummer, no one is going to fuck you.

It’s hard to find the sweet spot between totally guarded and flat-out oversharer. And for the love of God.. don’t cry on your first date, all right?

Don’t speak about your weird collections, freaky habits, and stupid allergies unless it’s a life or death situation. But like Louis C.K. said, “If a peanut can kill you, then MAYBE, maybe, you should die. Natural selection, man.”

Make sure you discuss stuff you both can talk about.

Oh, you are an engineer and you love chatting about how sweet bridges are? Great. Leave that crap to your work buddies.

Sports? Next!

I understand you are trying to win those sweet Peter Pan donuts from the Simpsons trivia night, but can you please not talk about it for one freaking night?

You are trying to get to know each other, but the first date is merely an appetizer. You are nibbling and not gluttonizing.

Remember, even if you do get lucky on your first date, there’s no way in hell you are going to learn everything about each other in one night.

What do you think?

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Written by Tag Brum

Tag Brum lives in Brooklyn and writes things from a computer whenever wi-fi is available.
You can follow him on Twitter @tagbrum.

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