Who: Zooey Deschanel
Job: Actress, indie girl next door, singer
Why should we be together: Even if I Weird Scienced a girl, she wouldn’t be as cute as Zooey.
Dealbreaker: She loves Christmas. I’m a Saturnalia hater.
Pro: She’s into chubby dudes and she makes them skinny.
Con: Can’t think of any…
In Summary: She’s a hipster diet muse, I don’t think she likes texting, but I would totally call her.