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Who: Zooey Deschanel

Job: Actress, indie girl next door, singer

Why should we be together: Even if I Weird Scienced a girl, she wouldn’t be as cute as Zooey.

Dealbreaker: She loves Christmas. I’m a Saturnalia hater.

Pro: She’s into chubby dudes and she makes them skinny.

Con: Can’t think of any…

In Summary: She’s a hipster diet muse, I don’t think she likes texting, but I would totally call her.