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Why Kristen Stewart Cheated on Robert Pattinson [Questions]

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Why did Kristen Stewart cheat on boyfriend and Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson?

 

I like how the Internet only gives us the hard questions. We strive to give you anything but the facts.

Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson because she realized he’s not in fact a timeworn vampire, he’s a young actor, who plays a vampire. Kristen Stewart likes them old. Stewart has been fiddling with mythological or folkloric beings since she was a baby. She wasn’t romantically tangled with one of them though till she was an adolescent.

Truthfully, her first boyfriend was an imp called Ambrosio. Ambrosio met Stewart in high school, before her family decided that she was going to continue school by correspondence. They broke up because Ambrosio had a drinking problem. He has since made a lot of money as an investment banker. He’s a top-hole imp, is what they say.

After breaking up with her lovable imp, Stewart dated an apparition, but the relationship didn’t work because he was reportedly an elusive and transparent prankster, who always loved to fright people. She thought he was too mean spirited and decided to be single for a while.

Kristen Stewart fell in love with the allegedly vampire Robert Pattinson and their love story swept the (ages 8 to 14) nation. Conversely, after grasping that Robert Pattinson wasn’t truly THAT old, she was turned off and ran to the arms of really elderly men, methuselahs really. One guy she dated, was on a wheel chair. And I think at some point she even told Anne Meara she would steal Jerry Stiller from her, because he is her Ryan Gosling.

There are reports of Kristen Stewart attending bingo night at various homes across the land, masquerading as a caring, but slutty nurse. Some of the old folks shoo her away thinking she’s some kind of gold digger, but she sets them straight showing them a cover of a magazine that claims she’s the was the highest paid actress in 2011. Suck on that, granny! She told an old lady, while kicking her walker.

Stewart is on the loose trying to find a lapidary old man, in his 30′s, 1930’s that is, but ideally born before the depression, with that effete quality.

Justin Bieber Can Call Any Celebrity [Questions]

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From Twitter:

You can hate on Justin Bieber, but remember he can pick up his phone and call any celebrity he wants pretty much. Can you?

You know I can’t, therefore Justin Bieber bests me. Justin Bieber ability to call any celebrity he wants pretty much is what makes me wake up in the morning, look at the mirror and say: you sir, are a piece of shit. How can you not be able to call any celebrity at all? You disgust me.

This is not only singular to me, there are millions of people in the world who can’t call a celebrity. Ever. Some people don’t even have the ability to speak, let alone to celebrities.

I, for one, have been in the presence of celebrities. Just the other day I passed by Mr. Big, you know, Chris Noth, who was exiting the Q train on Union Square and I missed my opportunity to add him to my phone book. Hell, if he had an iPhone with a Bump app, we would just do that, bump each other and boom, we’d be in touch.

We’d probably go to ball games.

We’d probably make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker (behind her back, brother has to milk that Sex and the City cow).

We’d probably reenact some scenes from Law and Order.

We’d probably play Call of Duty late at night.

But I missed my opportunity to be close to be Justin Bieber. Or to have his celebrity phone calling power.

I question myself now, you know? I don’t know that I can hate Justin Bieber. I don’t think I’m worthy of hating him, since, as you put it, I can’t pretty much call any celebrity I want. So, I suppose only celebrities, agents, PRs, sales agents or telemarketers can hate Justin Bieber.

Anyone else but me. Thank you for keeping me humble, Twitter.

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