Justin Bieber Can Call Any Celebrity [Questions]
Previous
RANDOM
Plot of New Larry David Movie Revealed
Next

Why Kristen Stewart Cheated on Robert Pattinson [Questions]

by Tag Brum on August 6, 2012

Why did Kristen Stewart cheat on boyfriend and Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson?

 

I like how the Internet only gives us the hard questions. We strive to give you anything but the facts.

Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson because she realized he’s not in fact a timeworn vampire, he’s a young actor, who plays a vampire. Kristen Stewart likes them old. Stewart has been fiddling with mythological or folkloric beings since she was a baby. She wasn’t romantically tangled with one of them though till she was an adolescent.

Truthfully, her first boyfriend was an imp called Ambrosio. Ambrosio met Stewart in high school, before her family decided that she was going to continue school by correspondence. They broke up because Ambrosio had a drinking problem. He has since made a lot of money as an investment banker. He’s a top-hole imp, is what they say.

After breaking up with her lovable imp, Stewart dated an apparition, but the relationship didn’t work because he was reportedly an elusive and transparent prankster, who always loved to fright people. She thought he was too mean spirited and decided to be single for a while.

Kristen Stewart fell in love with the allegedly vampire Robert Pattinson and their love story swept the (ages 8 to 14) nation. Conversely, after grasping that Robert Pattinson wasn’t truly THAT old, she was turned off and ran to the arms of really elderly men, methuselahs really. One guy she dated, was on a wheel chair. And I think at some point she even told Anne Meara she would steal Jerry Stiller from her, because he is her Ryan Gosling.

There are reports of Kristen Stewart attending bingo night at various homes across the land, masquerading as a caring, but slutty nurse. Some of the old folks shoo her away thinking she’s some kind of gold digger, but she sets them straight showing them a cover of a magazine that claims she’s the was the highest paid actress in 2011. Suck on that, granny! She told an old lady, while kicking her walker.

Stewart is on the loose trying to find a lapidary old man, in his 30’s, 1930’s that is, but ideally born before the depression, with that effete quality.

What's your reaction?
I Love It
0%
Cool
0%
It's OK
0%
What?
0%
I'm Sad
0%
I Hate It
0%
Tag Brum
Tag Brum lives in Brooklyn and writes things from a computer whenever wi-fi is available. You can follow him on Twitter @tagbrum.
Fonts by Google Fonts. Icons by Fontello. Full Credits here »